When we would argue, and I would tell her I am not a child, she always used to say: "You're still a kid as long as you have one of your parents alive!" I guess I am not a kid anymore :'( There are no words that can explain the feeling of this kind of loss, or try and justify the feelings of guilt, regret and resentment.
How to tell someone why you hide your face when you see kids with their mom, or why you will never again be able to understand when someone complains about their parents. So much has changed yet so much remained the same. Life goes on, but without her in this world.
As this drawing is not perfect, so wasn't our relationship, far from it. I don't know if this is supposed to be easier or harder because of it - it is difficult.
But now I understand what she meant when she told me: "You will listen to my music - and cry because you'll remember." There were songs, I hated. I listen to them now, and I cry, because I know she loved them, so I see the beauty in them now. I just wonder, when this chaos is gonna end. All the hurt, all the pain, all the guilt and regret. All the resentment I have, all the things I wanted to say, all the questions I wanted to ask... but didn't.
Being on another continent, now in another country, so far away - realising the only memory you have are a couple of messages that you exchanged. Not one photo, nothing of more value than a freaking SMS. I am angry, I am sad, I am hurt, and it can't be fixed. It can never be fixed :(
I drew this in trying to get my emotions out, who knows, maybe it will help....
I do hope there is some truth in saying that time heals all wounds.
Rest in peace mom, I love you... I hope you knew that!
Yours Zizi sa planete Ziziron :'( #inktober #inktober2018
#ripmom
