the Day He Died

I am writing this on the 24th of May, but changed the date to the day he died, Tuesday morning, 30th of March 2021 😦 ………..

I have changed the description from: “Just a purple woman travelling on a purple motorcycle!” to

“I was just a purple woman travelling on a purple motorcycle! But then my fiancé died and I turned this into a tribute to our love :'(“

I was a happy purple woman, riding a purple bike, thanks to my darling because he believed in me when I almost wanted to quit motorcycles altogether (after my first motorcycle crash).
He was my everything, my best friend, my love, my support, my go-to person, my everything. My life!

We had a wonderful life, a wonderful relationship, he is the best person I have ever met. Yes, he still is. Such a good soul, such a great human being. He had a passion for life, he was curious, he was funny, he was gentle and he was a real man in every sense of that word. He was the most amazing individual…. And I am not saying just that because I loved him, if you ask anyone who knew him, they would say the same.

I decided to write here because they say writing can help. They probably meant in a diary, but there is this thing that I just recently heard and learned about – GRIEF HAS TO BE WITNESSED – by David Kessler. And this is sooo true. It helps me to share the pain, it helps me deal with it by talking about it with as many people as I can, and who want to listen. Everyone is different, and it doesn’t work for all, but for me, this is a way to cope, to try and make sense of it – even though it doesn’t make any sense and it never will. It’s been almost 2 months now, and I find it harder every day. Every day, every minute, second is harder and harder. So I will try to use this as an outlet for my pain, my grief and my love for him. To have this burden out for everyone to see, I don’t care what anyone thinks, it helps me and at this moment I am doing anything I can to not kill myself and if this helps even a little, great!

How He Died?

  • 28/03/2021 – Sunday – In the morning, he was complaining about chest pressure. He wasn’t feeling well. Asking him a lot of questions, does he have any other pains, he mentioned he had some pain in the left side of his jaw. As we knew, you don’t joke around any heart pains, so we decided to go to the ER. The closest one, 5 min drive from home, was apparently closed :O They are closed on Sunday. After asking where is the closest one is open, they have sent us to the clinic 10 min ride from there. When we came there, the most important thing was the Covid questionnaire?!? After rushing the students to finish that quickly as he wasn’t feeling well, he was sent into ER without me, I had to wait outside. After some time, the lady came to me, asking for his wallet, as he left everything with me. He had to pay first to be admitted (we later found out it was a private hospital, didn’t even think about it when we came..). I brought him his wallet and asked if I can stay with him, but they didn’t let me. He waited for a doctor for an hour and a half. In the meantime, they got his blood pressure checked and blood was taken. To cut the story short, they pumped him with worm paracetamol and Gaviscon, he felt better, the doctor told him it was probably either heartburn or what the doctor said, cabin fever. That they have a lot of young people coming in with the same symptoms. Because we are in lockdown for months, it is a normal thing. Later he told me that the doctor told him that he had “a young 40-year-old heart” (he was 48), and we were joking that this doesn’t give him a free pass at eating right and exercising (kind of doing that because we were supposed to get married in July… 😦 ) The day went on ok, he was feeling fine, but a bit tired..
  • 29/03/2021 – Monday – He started to feel a bit of around noon, kind of like a cold. He had a tiny elevated temperature and he was feeling tired. I told him to take a day off work, it could probably be all those poking and probing at the hospital, he is stressed and maybe to go on and take a walk outside, it was a beautiful sunny day. He went for a walk, went to a pharmacy, got some Lemsip for the flu like symptoms. He was watching TV and kind of napping most of the day. In the evening he went to take a bath (we both love looong hot baths) and I went to sleep.
  • 30/03/202 – Tuesday – I woke up, he wasn’t in our bed. Went downstairs, he was sleeping on the couch. I asked him if he is ok… He said he was feeling hot so it was colder there. I tried his forehead, he was a bit warm, but nothing alarming. Asked him if he needed anything, tea, water, food, anything. He said no, that he will just try and get some sleep, that he called work and he said he will take a day off. I kissed him, said that he should rest and if he needs anything to let me know. I went upstairs to work. Not too long after that, he came upstairs to use the bathroom. I was on a video call. In few minutes, the door opened with a slam, and he fell face down on the floor, he just collapsed. I run over to him, he was out, trying to breathe. I called the emergency number immediately, and the lady told me I should give him CPR. He was lying on his stomach, so I should have turned him on his back. He is much bigger and heavier than me, I had trouble turning him. The lady told me I must do it, not to think of any injuries now, but I have to. I managed to do it somehow, don’t remember exactly how, started to do CPR as the lady on the phone explained. I started to cry and yell that it doesn’t help, he is getting red in the face, his eyes were bloodshot and nothing I did was helping. That was the worst thing in my whole life. To be able to do absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. And the love of your life is dying in front of your eyes. This wasn’t happening. It seemed like ages that this was happening. Years. No one tells you how hard it is to do CPR on someone, let alone on someone you love, on someone who is your everything. I was pissing sweat, I was crying, I was screaming, calling his name, the lady on the phone told me not to stop, she was counting with me…. It seemed like forever…… 😥 I just checked my phone, because I actually don’t know how long it took the ambulance to come. I called at 9:34 – the call lasted 14min and 56sec. So the ambulance guys were here in 15 minutes… It felt like a lifetime 😥
    They started doing CPR and whatever there is that they can do, I left the room, I couldn’t watch this. One of the guys (and there was a lot of guys, big guys that came – which kind of gave me comfort), he told me, that if anyone can do anything they can. I have the whole ER in the room. It gave me hope. The guy was explaining what they are doing all the way they were there. I called few close people so they know what is happening. Called my boss so he knows why I am not on any meetings today… The whole time I was thinking we will have to go to the hospital, they will bring him to the hospital any second… At some point, the guy told me that this is really serious, that they can’t start his heart. And that he is too young for his heart to just stop. I told him the whole story about going to the hospital 2 days before, that they told him he is healthy, he has a young heart. The guy asked me what hospital, I told them.. He just said he doesn’t know, but it doesn’t look good. My life was ending at that moment…. They were still trying, still doing whatever they could…. At the same time, neighbours gathered in front of the house, everyone asking what is happening, but because of Covid no one could come close really. At one point, the guy came to get me…. Said, that they tried everything, but his heart just wouldn’t start. They would disconnect him from the machine that was trying to start the heart, and if I would like to come and hold his hand while they do that……. I came upstairs, he was lying there, covered with a blanket, like he was sleeping…. I cried and cried and begged and pleaded and cried… I took his hand, completely lifeless, and they explained that they will disconnect him and try to listen to his heart for the last moment in case his heart starts pumping by itself. I was holding his hand, squeezing and praying that he gets up, that he must be ok… Please god, please don’t take him away 😥 But the guy just nodded no. Nothing. The heart stopped. He died.

    My life ended at that moment. My world crumbled into million pieces. My existence didn’t matter anymore, nothing matters anymore, nothing made sense. It wasn’t happening. It wasn’t happening. This is not true….. This can’t be true….. This isn’t real…. No, I can’t.. I can’t….. No 😥

    When everyone left, I was alone with his body in our study…….. I was crying over him, holding his hand, praying that he wakes up, that this is a dream. I couldn’t believe that this is happening…

    The things that followed are just a bunch of things that need to be done. The police coming, questioning me on the details of what happened. Waiting for the coroner to pronounce him officially dead 😥 The funeral company to take the body to the morgue….. And me alone… In the house with 2 of our cats.. Dealing with all that. Our 2 friends came to be support… They were living next to us, door to door.. Oh how I wished that they were still living here, I could have asked for help from someone.. But no one was close to ask for help 😥

The days that followed were a horror. A nightmare… Dealing with everything on autopilot, because I am alone, in Ireland, we were living alone… My mom died in 2018 from cancer, I don’t have a lot of family left that could help.. I had friends that were helping out, eternally grateful for them and for all the help..

But I was alone, every night, every morning, without him. Without my life. My love, my everything…
I am still alone and the pain is unbearable, just unmanageable 😥
And every day from this day has been a struggle, has been hard….

I am in hell and it doesn’t look like I’ll ever be out of it 😥

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